4:29pm.mp3 | |
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4:29pm
5/8/2014: Over the course of my teenage years I have learned a lot of important lessons about life. Through my experiences from middle school and my freshman year of high school, its safe to say that I have been through a lot. But as hard as it is to say, I have found that life continues to be the craziest, mandatory rollercoaster that everyone must ride. Things get worse. Then get better. You’ll go through three months of total bliss followed by three months of complete disaster. But there is one moment in particular that taught me a whole lot more about myself then it ever would about life.
4:15pm: It was one of those summer days that forced you to hold yourself above the seat of the car because the sun’s strength was too great for the back your thighs to handle. I found myself in this position along side my 21-year-old brother that sat comfortably in the drivers seat. Although he quickly rolled the windows down, the air that circulated throughout his Toyota seemed heavier than usual. Now whether this was just because of the fact that there was probably a 100% humidity rate that day, or the presence of my nerves that seems to escape my bloodstream and into the air, I still don’t know. But I did know that my hand was shaking, there was something I needed to tell him, and my heart was beating faster than the tires were turning.
5/8/2014: I wanted to tell him about the past three years of my life, which I had kept all relatively secret from him. On April 29th, 2011 (4/29/2011) I had endured something that would unknowingly change my life. Being in middle school already meant that everyone was going through changes, which would inevitably impact relationships, but I never thought that some of my worst experiences would have come from being cyber bullied by my best friend. For the sake of time, and to refrain myself from reminiscing towards one of the most painful days of my 15 years, I will not go far into detail of what exactly happened. But I will tell you that I just felt a lot of pain. I woke up the next morning not knowing how my life was going to change, but understanding that I was in for a ride. I thought I knew just how much it would hurt, but I was wrong. My best friend’s actions continued to heavily impact my life one year later as I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, two years later as I entered therapy, and even three years later as it continues to impact relationships. Within that first year, I had endured some of the darkest days imaginable, but the stories that were built into that year were not of what I wanted to tell him. I wanted to let my brother, my best friend, know how I was no longer in that dark place. I needed to tell him how much better things were for me and how even though I was still affected by some of the repercussions from being cyber bullied, I was learning how to come to terms with what had happened.
4:23pm: After an abundance of sighs and attempted approaches to tell him all that I had hidden, I figured it would be best to start from the beginning. This may seem like a logical thing to do, but for someone who has a reputation for being terrible at telling stories, this thought felt like an epiphany.
4:25pm: My hands started to sweat as I began to retell that same story. Despite the heat of the summer, goose bumps had managed to crawl over my whole body just as they had on April 29th while I was staring in awe at the computer screen. I was really nervous. Nervous to the point where I hadn’t even noticed the vibrations from the speakers that had been pulsating through the sturdy build of his car. But soon enough, the combination of his reckless driving and my favorite song made me realize that everything was going to be okay.
4:27pm: I proceeded to tell him everything from beginning to end. Refraining from leaving out any details, because I wanted to release every secret that I had ever hidden from him. By the time I was finished, a sudden silence captured the air as simultaneously, my favorite song had come to a close.
4:29pm: My brother has always had a way with words. For as long as I can remember, Cory has always known exactly what to say. Whether he was able to carefully construct a short sentence that’s message was clear enough for me to understand that I just needed to shut up, or his ability to utter the perfect paragraph to convey to me that everything was going to be okay, it was always clear that we spoke our own little language. But even though I was already aware of his talent, there was no way that I could ever imagined how his reply would impact my life. As the music seemed to cascade out of the background and through the windows, Cory told me that he was proud of me. He reiterated that understanding the fact that life moves on is one of the greatest lessons anyone can learn and that he was so incredibly happy that I had figured this out before the time in which he had. We talked for a while about the element of time and how crazy it is that it has the power to control everything humans do. We fluttered ideas back and forth about how regardless of that fact; time is truly the only thing that has the power to solve everything. As this conversation came to a close, we were parked at a red light in which silence came about our car again. We stared out the front windshield for a few seconds, but that moment was quickly interrupted my brother’s smile and a beautiful “I love you”.
5/8/2014: The next day I woke up feeling renewed. The first piece of the puzzle I fit together was the understanding that sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish. I think sometimes people get too wrapped up in the notion that helping others will always better ourselves, but I am proof that that is not always the case. I had to dedicate three years of my life to learning about who I am and searching for the things that make me happy. My conversation with Cory made me realize that I did the right thing to put myself first, even if that meant not telling him what was going on. I learned that it was okay that I chose my own happiness over not participating in that one activity because I felt uncomfortable, or staying home on Friday night because I wasn’t feeling too great. All of these little things fit together so perfectly together after my conversation with my brother. And from that morning on, I knew that my life was about to change, but this time, for the absolute best.
5/8/2014: Over the course of my teenage years I have learned a lot of important lessons about life. Through my experiences from middle school and my freshman year of high school, its safe to say that I have been through a lot. But as hard as it is to say, I have found that life continues to be the craziest, mandatory rollercoaster that everyone must ride. Things get worse. Then get better. You’ll go through three months of total bliss followed by three months of complete disaster. But there is one moment in particular that taught me a whole lot more about myself then it ever would about life.
4:15pm: It was one of those summer days that forced you to hold yourself above the seat of the car because the sun’s strength was too great for the back your thighs to handle. I found myself in this position along side my 21-year-old brother that sat comfortably in the drivers seat. Although he quickly rolled the windows down, the air that circulated throughout his Toyota seemed heavier than usual. Now whether this was just because of the fact that there was probably a 100% humidity rate that day, or the presence of my nerves that seems to escape my bloodstream and into the air, I still don’t know. But I did know that my hand was shaking, there was something I needed to tell him, and my heart was beating faster than the tires were turning.
5/8/2014: I wanted to tell him about the past three years of my life, which I had kept all relatively secret from him. On April 29th, 2011 (4/29/2011) I had endured something that would unknowingly change my life. Being in middle school already meant that everyone was going through changes, which would inevitably impact relationships, but I never thought that some of my worst experiences would have come from being cyber bullied by my best friend. For the sake of time, and to refrain myself from reminiscing towards one of the most painful days of my 15 years, I will not go far into detail of what exactly happened. But I will tell you that I just felt a lot of pain. I woke up the next morning not knowing how my life was going to change, but understanding that I was in for a ride. I thought I knew just how much it would hurt, but I was wrong. My best friend’s actions continued to heavily impact my life one year later as I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, two years later as I entered therapy, and even three years later as it continues to impact relationships. Within that first year, I had endured some of the darkest days imaginable, but the stories that were built into that year were not of what I wanted to tell him. I wanted to let my brother, my best friend, know how I was no longer in that dark place. I needed to tell him how much better things were for me and how even though I was still affected by some of the repercussions from being cyber bullied, I was learning how to come to terms with what had happened.
4:23pm: After an abundance of sighs and attempted approaches to tell him all that I had hidden, I figured it would be best to start from the beginning. This may seem like a logical thing to do, but for someone who has a reputation for being terrible at telling stories, this thought felt like an epiphany.
4:25pm: My hands started to sweat as I began to retell that same story. Despite the heat of the summer, goose bumps had managed to crawl over my whole body just as they had on April 29th while I was staring in awe at the computer screen. I was really nervous. Nervous to the point where I hadn’t even noticed the vibrations from the speakers that had been pulsating through the sturdy build of his car. But soon enough, the combination of his reckless driving and my favorite song made me realize that everything was going to be okay.
4:27pm: I proceeded to tell him everything from beginning to end. Refraining from leaving out any details, because I wanted to release every secret that I had ever hidden from him. By the time I was finished, a sudden silence captured the air as simultaneously, my favorite song had come to a close.
4:29pm: My brother has always had a way with words. For as long as I can remember, Cory has always known exactly what to say. Whether he was able to carefully construct a short sentence that’s message was clear enough for me to understand that I just needed to shut up, or his ability to utter the perfect paragraph to convey to me that everything was going to be okay, it was always clear that we spoke our own little language. But even though I was already aware of his talent, there was no way that I could ever imagined how his reply would impact my life. As the music seemed to cascade out of the background and through the windows, Cory told me that he was proud of me. He reiterated that understanding the fact that life moves on is one of the greatest lessons anyone can learn and that he was so incredibly happy that I had figured this out before the time in which he had. We talked for a while about the element of time and how crazy it is that it has the power to control everything humans do. We fluttered ideas back and forth about how regardless of that fact; time is truly the only thing that has the power to solve everything. As this conversation came to a close, we were parked at a red light in which silence came about our car again. We stared out the front windshield for a few seconds, but that moment was quickly interrupted my brother’s smile and a beautiful “I love you”.
5/8/2014: The next day I woke up feeling renewed. The first piece of the puzzle I fit together was the understanding that sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish. I think sometimes people get too wrapped up in the notion that helping others will always better ourselves, but I am proof that that is not always the case. I had to dedicate three years of my life to learning about who I am and searching for the things that make me happy. My conversation with Cory made me realize that I did the right thing to put myself first, even if that meant not telling him what was going on. I learned that it was okay that I chose my own happiness over not participating in that one activity because I felt uncomfortable, or staying home on Friday night because I wasn’t feeling too great. All of these little things fit together so perfectly together after my conversation with my brother. And from that morning on, I knew that my life was about to change, but this time, for the absolute best.